~Speak your voice even if your words shake-Maggie Kuhn~
One thing I wish I knew before entering high school was to understand and establish my priorities. You may be shocked to hear this but no, there was not time in eighth grade where I decided that I would make the first semester of my freshman year the most dejected of my life. Crazy, right?
But for real, that introductory year was a confusing time. I was a hormonal see-saw trying to discover what it meant to be ‘adult’, make ‘adult decisions’ and what it meant to be independent. It was 4 months into that year when self harm, drugs and death appealed to me more than anything. Failing to carry through with attempted suicide at the time was one of my biggest regrets.
I remember staring at that scar day in and out thinking that that wound could have brought me to a new place I once thought would be ethereal, and how disappointed I was that despite the pain I felt, I couldn’t muster up the guts to take another go.
And while I managed to finish up my first year of my freshman year with an adequate academic record and a mental threshold vast enough to keep myself alive, things still felt abnormal. I felt confused in simple circumstances, overthought what my future would hold, and rued things I now realize were not worth obsessing over.
Conscious regret is far different from ignorant regret. I cannot emphasize how many times I have told psychiatrists, therapists, friends, teachers or other acquaintances snippets or broad narratives of my struggles or how I felt just because I knew that it’s what they want to hear. Despite me being aware of my opportunity for help, ignorance and effortless responses to those trying to help only prolonged the higher issue in my mental struggle.
Conversely, awareness of my regrets helped me begin to exit my shell as such an anxious, depressed and rocky individual. With all this being said, I would one thousand percent be calling myself a hypocrite if I were to say that all these obstacles I have faced overtime have completely dissipated. Truth is, I question a lot of things about myself to this day. My happiness, well being, past thoughts and decisions, and things I once thought I could cope with.
The one thing I can say I have improved on slightly is how to important it is to speak up, nurture, and take care of yourself before you can spread it around to others. Once again, I realize that the things I preach are things I have not downright perfected myself; However, in this case, I have learned to understand how genuinely important it is to practice self-reflection, understand who you are, and be outright honest to yourself and others.
I can’t demand you to speak to someone and expect you to listen to me like I’m some mental dictator, but what I can do is lend perspective in understanding that these mental blocks you find yourself locked between can be at least loosened with some self-reminiscence and simple discussion. Even though it seems like such an abstract concept, mustering up effort to get help took me ages. One of my biggest regrets is not accepting professional help because I felt I would burden the workers with my struggles.
Seeing it initially as a traumatic and confusing idea, I find it almost funny to this date. These people were at my disposal to help me, yet I refused to work with them despite the things I was going through? It’s almost like breaking a leg and refusing to call an ambulance because you don’t want to ‘burden the workers.’
Regardless of the person to which this pertains: classifying your regrets, mustering up interest in help and speaking on the matter are honestly my mic drop, last words that made up the baseline of my recovery. Though I still have many strides to reach, the things I say now, are things I mean and do not regret.
